Rough draft story bit related to Ordine, still. Yes, I do realize what it sounds like. It's supposed to. Release your preconceptions, misconceptions, and just take the journey. The facts are there, if you can open your mind.
Before her loomed the hole; dank, wet, an odor of sweetly-sour urea clinging to the outer lips. The smell seemed to condense into a dew, which seeped together into an almost mucousy stream that slimed it's way to an outer edge, clinging suckily, before growing tired and dripping on her boot.
She wiped her mouth in distaste Oh yes, she was going to do it, but that was hardly the same thing as wanting to do it. Always, this was the way of a woman in a man's world, being forced into these situations she'd rather have no part of, just to survive.
Taking a deep breath, she reached out one coy finger, running it through the tendrils above the hole, then sliding it in deeper, deeper, until she found that little hard knot which seemed to push back against her finger as if willing her to take it. Grasping its hardness between thumb and forefinger, she pulled, softly and tentatively at first. The wetness, the slime, the odor made her feel queasy, and that she was being watched and judged in her actions did not a thing to help quell that feeling.
“In for a penny, in for a pound.” she told herself. Pulling harder, willing herself to keep going, she dug deep into the folds for that treasure, that pleasure, which would bring her everything she needed.
Finally, out in came, with a great tearing sound, as of rending flesh. Looking at the things she held, it seemed almost silly, that so much was made about so small and stubby a thing.
“How many men seek it, yet never find? How many women wish they would? How often are thoughts given over to nothing else? Yet, once found, it is so quickly removed.” Her smile glittered with malice. “Oh, treacherous woman, who hid it away in hopes of inciting fevered lusts. Your time is over. It is mine now.”
“You've gone over the edge, you know?” her mind interjected.
It was true. With key in hand, she had plunged herself fully inward, into that cave, on the other end of which, she knew, stood a door that would lead her to wherever she wished.
“Not entirely what I meant, but, I shall concede the point.” said Mind. “Be you careful.”
“Why? I have the key and can go where I will.”
“Only if you will think rightly, well, and truly.” her mind chided.
“Hah! Whenever has that happened? Aren't you in charge of that department.” she snapped at her mind, in a way that argued against her point and her mind's dearest hope.
“It is up to you to choose the path, as always. I must follow where you lead, but, given a choice, I would prefer to follow you into that there briar patch, rather than down the rabbit hole.”
“Why does everyone always say that?”
“Tumbling down is seldom fun; the landing even less so.”
“I'm not Alice, you know?” she barked.
In truth she spoke. This was no Alice. People named Alice, from whatever climate, clime, people, or time they emerge, are the sort who are prone to falling down holes, of one kind or another. Some through white lined mirrors, some through bottles, some chasing rabbits, but down they go, almost without exception, one and all.
Not so, for those named Angela, who never fall into holes, but, often stride in boldly.
“In an almost complete role reversal!” her mind added at the end of this thought, giggling merrily at a joke the girl did not otherwise share.
“What is that supposed to mean?” she queried.
“Hmm, don't you know? Oh, watch out. Don't go further into this cave, girl. Even Alice feared to tread there!” The mind was still giggling, sometimes chortling, and that she still did not know what about vexed her greatly.
“Like I care!” she retorted, rushing in and through the cave proper.
Comments
- Byronanarchyalmost 3 years agoAll right I’m doing it! You spelled sometimes wrong, it should be white-lined or mirrors with white lines might be better but maybe it doesn’t matter because this way it makes people think what does it mean and then they get it and maybe it’s more “profound” that way. haha “;but, whom often stride”“In an almost complete role reversal!” her mind added at the end of this thought, giggling merrily at a joke the girl did not otherwise share.Think there should be a comma before “her” maybe a semi colon before “giggling” and something like “in which” between “joke” and “the”Happy?Sorry but it seems wrong to be so nit picky and I wouldn’t do it it it wasn’t to help you out. Maybe you should, like you said, start a group for that.Can I get on to the compliments? You are the best writer I know, gir! Look at the way you led me down that path and I KNOW you don’t write like that (anymore) but it was convincing and stunning. The twist of it being a real cave was cool and you know I love your mind games with your readers and with the characters. Awesome awesome writer is you!
- Yes I am! Thank you so much! I think I will! Thank you (blush)Pity I can’t fave just the comment, because I would!– Arletta
- Anthony R. Pla...almost 3 years agoI disagree with the bit about “white lined mirrors” obviously drugs, bottles would be alcohol. Makes perfect sense to me :)However, I would say that in… “The mind was still giggling, sometiems…” should be sometimes. :)And I would change out the colon in sentence one to a semi-colon :)Hope this helps :)Very interesting concepts… definitely multiple messages on many levels… Nice work!
- Thank you. There’s something sexy about men boldly editing … lol Maybe women, too. Is there?I’m trying to start a group (thanks for the reminder Byron) for people who want more of this sort of comment. It won’t be for posting art, writing, or journals, but only for posting work in the forums that you’d like to have critiqued or to ask advice on. I hope they approve it soon, and people actually join. lolSo, you think “white lined mirrors” is okay? I can kind of see his point that someone might go “How could a mirror be lined in white” but, then,I can also see his point that anyone who does that is liable to go “Duh!” and smack themselves in the forehead afterwards.Maybe I should go fix ‘sometimes’ anyway. lol– Arletta
- Anthony R. Pla...almost 3 years agoI’m not sure about the sexiness of editing… that is an interesting thought experiment… hmm,So I’ve re-read this… You’ve made some really good changes to it. Much more cohesive, and the pauses are helping to set both the tone and direction of things. I have another suggestion…The sentence: The wetness, the slime, the odor made her feel queasy, and that she was being watched and judged in her actions did not a thing to help quell that feeling.In the interest of meter and flow, (and if it was me…) I would change “did not a thing to help” to a single word nothingThen that would read…The wetness, the slime, the odor made her feel queasy, and that she was being watched and judged in her actions did nothing quell that feeling.I think this would help focus on the tantalizing fact that Angela is being watched and judged… These are two very important concepts that add a significant amount of color to the work…:)
- Maybe … but “not a thing” and “did not a thing” are very well known, long standing ways of saying it, which I’ve always enjoyed. “nothing” sounds so very American. I don’t think it’s really the same thing. “Did not a thing” is not “nothing”. It is “absolutely nothing”Think about the song ‘War’ War .. what is it good for? Nothing! ?War .. what is it good for? Absolutely nothing! ?Which sounds better?I know it’s weird, because nothing is nothing, and if you say nothing, that is exactly what it should mean: a complete absence. But, then, if I say to you “Nothing would induce me to look at your feathery little thing again.” you could say “Nothing? Not even if I comment on it?” and then, of course, nothing is no longer nothing. But, if I said “There is not a thing you could say or do that would induce me to go and look at your feathery thing again.” that is a very definite, not just now, but friggin’ forever, I am not going there, so don’t even try it, statement.In other words, there are times and stories where I might agree with you, and change it, but not this time and not this story.This story is an odd little mixture of new and old: words, eras, ideals.At least, it should be; so, I hope I succeed in that.– Arletta
- Anthony R. Pla...almost 3 years agocool… of course you are right.. :)
- lol lol lol I don’t think either of us want that set as a precedent. If I said that right. Well, at least one of us knows what I mean, and, perhaps, the other one will explain it later.lol– Arletta
- By the way, I am glad you liked the additions. I wasn’t entirely sure if I did or not. Just now, however, I noticed a period where a question mark should be. Oh the endless pains of editing. <—- needs a comma!– Arletta
- Byronanarchyalmost 3 years agoYep, better than before. Before was great by the way so call off your champion sheesh! hahaha Is there a wedding date set yet? You should make him take that test. I’m a loverboy, not a fighterboy.I love the way you have of twisting things up Still remember Prainline Dream!
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