Dear Mr. Carlew

Dear Mr Carlew:
Hello Conor!
Yo, babsy, how’s it?
Oh beautiful and enlightened being, wayfarer through destiny, I beseech thee to read these words and here my inner struggle with mercy:

There I wasn’t sure how to address you, so pick out the one you like best and let’s get this letter started.

My name is Arletta, I’m from Alaska, 34 years old, have at least two of my own teeth, and the sort of figure men drool over. Yes, that’s right: I am shaped like a beer keg!

Uhm .. listen, I am not sure what to say to you, and while your friend has told me that youare less than traditional in your mental persuasion (ie: off the wall) I am more than a bit nervous here. Because, really, I am barking mad. Perhaps it’s my barking that drove you off the wall, then???

So, I’m kind of writing this, with no real idea as to who you are, or why, or .. anything. Tis that, well .. I have somehow gotten involved with talking to this man who claims to have no sense of humour. Actually I wrote to him because I saw that on his profile and I had to see if it was so. Seems like a very nice chap, and he seems to think the bloody world of you. Not sure, quite, how or why we ended up talking about you but pretty sure it was in reference to nice people who are worth knowing versus ..uhm .. the sort of people I have as neighbors. During said talking he mentioned several things about you, which I can’t
quite remember now; but they were the sort of things that made me think that I should very much get to know you; and, possibly, that I am you.

Do you look like a beer keg? If you do, we must get together, as it is a sad thing to see personalities all split up!

Anyway, I would be honored to hear from you as I think you sound like someone that I would really enjoy knowing.

I am told you don’t go in for technology much, so, here is my address, if you would care to write to me:

Arletta Sloan
316 North Park Apt 1
Anchorage, Alaska
99508

I’d give you my phone number, only 1) you would have to have a fairly good grasp of higher mathematics to work out exactly when it would be alright to call and 2) I hate phones. I used to love answering them and hearing them ring, but oh life has taught me some lessons and now I view phones, I suspect, and my past with them much the same way as do the Jews who continually slap themselves on the forehead, going “Pretty uniforms? What the h_ll was I thinking?”

Or maybe not

Right. I’m off, and, besides that update on my mental status, I am going. Really I am brilliantly fun, not too terribly ugly, and, if you believe my own press clippings, I have at least half a mind, am very good at making spaghetti, and am great fun at parties. (Never believe me, I lie all the time!) Besides which, I am likely to only continue writing to you until you succumb to my charms as I love a good brick wall to ram my head into, so .. oh, and if you do the technology thing, I am on yahoo as rls_artist or you can write to saffron_experience_pie@msn.com .. that’s not me, but you can write
to it!!! Go ahead, I give you my blessing! Mine is melodyblues@hotmail.com and, if Saffron gives a good report, I will let you write to me too.

I’m just mad about Saffron and she’s just mad about me. She calls me Mello Yello.

Either way, my letters are going through the internet, until I find a way to stop being poor. If you are very nice, and I do hear from you, I will send you excerpts from my stories and poems. If you are very bad, I will send you the whole slough of them.

Bye, for now

Arletta

PS: I don’t do the good spelling thing anymore. I used to be rather uptight about it, actually, but what with the differences between English and American English and all, not much point. More interested in content of conversation than spelling. So, I hope this lack of proper grammar and punctuation won’t be a problem for you???

If you like, we could certainly list our likes and dislikes and political affiliations
and whatever else, to start, but .. I don’t really care about all that. I mean, sure, if I found someone who I could talk to who had the same beliefs, liked the same sort of toast, etc. it would be skippy. I am interested in you, however, because you sound like the sortof man who knows all about honour, and the value of good books, and the value of friendship and how vitally important it is to curl up on the couch and watch John Cleese slap someone with a trout, together. And if that is true, or even close, then, as far as I’m concerned, all else will sort itself out. So, if we get on, one day I might care to know your favorite colour or your height, hair style, etc. just because they are a part of you. It just won’t
have anything to do with what makes me want to know you.

Okay?