Bear with me and I shall attempt to explain to you what BDSM is to me, without attempting to define it for the rest of the world. To explain what it is, first, I will have to tell you what it is not:
BDSM is not sex, torture, abuse, fetish play, lying, cheating, stealing, playing mind games with people, or looking down on others as being less human, simply because they are different sorts of people. It is not intolerance, anger, lack of self control, greed, tyranny or acting the spoiled git.
Well, then, what's left? Don't go away, yet. Stifle your yawns a while longer, and, you might find yourself pleasantly surprised.
BDSM is about two basic ideals. The first, most important ideal is this: It is absolutely all right to use deviant methods to attain a desired goal.
In further explanation, let us consider my weight. Or, perhaps not specifically mine, but, those who need to lose fat, gain muscle, stop the filthy habit of overeating, gain health, etc. First of all, as you may note, I mentioned several factors, that all have some bearing on the one issue, because:
- Some people are well-muscled, naturally or through exercise but are still too fat.
- There are people who really are gluttonous, and are, indeed, fat from overeating
- Others may truly have specific health or emotional issues to overcome.
- And, it could be that all these things, or a combination of them, is true for the individual.
We are not all the same, we do not all have the same resources, or the same past, and, we do not necessarily need the same structure, instructions, foods, exercises, or motivators to get us to the desired goal of being at, and maintaining, a healthy weight. Now, a person who is vanilla, not making progress toward this goal might joke that they need someone to slap their hand, or someone to handcuff them to the bed, or someone to put a lock on their refrigerator and monitor what they eat, or, force them to exercise, or that they only way they will ever be able to stay away from Twinkies long enough to do the detoxification process they need to go through is if someone locked them up on a cage or shed and brought them nothing but the pills they should be taking, water, and vegetables. They may joke, they may even want it, but, they will never seek it out and do it, because, it is not "normal", it is "crazy" in the eyes of society, and, while it might help accomplish their goal, it would just be weird and therefore undesirable. To them, how they are perceived is more important than need or result. Someone who is into BDSM might say "I need someone to lock me in a cage for a week, and, only bring me water, vegetables and the pills I need." and, once they realize it is a viable method of receiving help they need, may go out and seek the person who will help them in this way. They will not choose just anyone, they will make sure things are properly monitored, unless they are idiots, but, "Oh, that's too weird!" is not a determining factor in deciding whether or not to do it. The questions BDSM people ask themselves in that sort of situation are not "What does it say about me?" or "What would the neighbors think?", but, "is it possible to do safely?" and "Is it otherwise feasible?" and "Is this the best choice?" Yes, of course, they still would like not to freak out their neighbors, but, that's what proper precautions, such as telling the neighbor they are going on vacation, or, closing their curtains is about. And, if the neighbors do find out? Well, it might be a little embarrassing, for their sake, but, the end justifies the means, and, there is nothing wrong with the means used. The means are safe, sane and consensual, and, they bring good results. That is what is important. That's why "Safe, sane and consensual" is the phrase to remember, as those are the only factors which should determine your actions, in the world of BDSM. Now, what is safe is relative. "Safe" is not just about the physical aspects, such as if you can trust the person who holds the key to the cage, but, it is about the spiritual aspects, and the social aspects. So, can you trust the person who is holding the key to bring the food and water, let you out to use the restroom or otherwise help you deal with issues relating to proper sanitation? Yes? Great! Now, can you trust them, since you are a good, law abiding and/or religious type in this scenario, not to use their control of the food and water to coerce you to perform obscene acts? Super! Now, can you trust them not to answer your phone, thereby accidentally cluing your boss and family members in to the fact that you are home, which will lead up to the embarrassing situation of your door being broken down by fireman, your helper arrested, and your name and pictures of you in the cage splashed across the front of the local newspaper, above an article hinting at a depraved sex scandal? Great! Now, can you trust them not to take photos and attempt to blackmail you later, or, at least, are you the sort of person who can laugh off such attempts? Lovely! Now, can you trust them not to leave you alone in the cage, while they go off to work for hours on end, where you could not escape if a fire broke out? And, do you have reason to believe that they are healthy enough not to die from the sheer excitement of you being in a cage? Do you have a back up person, who will check in from time to time? Then, probably, all those things being yes, you will be safe. But, you see, safety is not just "Will it tear a ligament.". Many persons have a fetish for the idea of being caged, chained, rolled in plastic wrap and left under furniture, and left in place while the other goes off for work, and, they think the safety is all about "Can I trust this person not to kill me?" which is part of it, indeed, but, the phrases such as "accidental fire" or "surprise earthquake", or "unexpected flooding" exist for a reason. One needs reasonable plans for the safety of the person who is bound, and, also, for the person who has them bound on their property as well; because, if a fire breaks out and someone finds your lover caged up and crispy, they aren't going to shrug and say "Oh, it was just two people being kinky." Hence why contracts, video taped proof kept in other locations, witnesses, and people who can go and rescue your lover if you are at work and a fire breaks out, are vitally important for your safety, as well. Not to mention that, emotionally, you would be on very unsafe grounds, if that should happen. The words in the phrase, "safe, sane and consensual", then, work well together and say much about how BDSM should be incorporated into one's total life. BDSM is not about rebelling against society for the sake of rebelling; or, doing unsafe things; or, about committing spontaneous acts of weirdness. BDSM is about planning, self control, seeing the total picture, understanding needs and choosing to use divergent methods to fulfill those needs, if divergent methods are needed. "I need a maid. I cannot afford a maid. I think I'll find me a slave, then." "I need motivation to exercise. I think I'll find me a friend with a home gym, who'd like to whip me for failing to workout." "I really have trouble with overspending. I think I'll find me a nice dominant who will take control of my finances and make a contract with them, that they will definitely make sure my bills are paid, as long as my finances cover it, but, where they will not let me spend the rest on crap. I would get an accountant, but, I can't afford one, so ... yes, a Dom will do." The other ideal, while similar, is more related strictly to pleasure. If it feels good, if it is safe, sane and consensual, then there is no reason not to do it. However, as I have pointed out above, what is safe depends on many factors; it is not just about physically living through the experience. So, is it physically safe for now? Is there little to no possibility that it might cause a horrible condition, syndrome, result in death, involve the catching of a horrible bacterial or viral infection? Are precautions taken to prevent possible HIV infections? Are there precautions in place, to make sure of your quick and easy release if an earthquake or home invasion suddenly attack? Are you sure you won't regret it, later? Are you sure it will not interfere with your relationship with God, your family, or anyone else who is important enough that you need them in your life? If the answer to all those questions in a resounding yes - not a cautious, timid yes, but a resounding yes - then, you are probably going to be safe. Remember, BDSM is not sneaking around behind the back of your loved ones, anymore than it is about confronting them with information they do not need to know, which might do them harm. So, if you are a married man, who made vows to his wife, then selfishly sneaking around and having sex with other women is not safe. It helps destroy your marriage. But, it might be true that sneaking around behind your wife's back and getting whipped by another woman, who you are not engaging in sex with, to release your tension, so that you can feel more yourself, etc. is safe, because, maybe it will make you a healthier, happier person and maybe you will, thusly, be a better husband. But, maybe it is only safe and better for your marriage if you don't tell your wife, because, she would not understand and you know that about her. However, when it comes to God, there is no sneaking around behind His back, so part of "safe" is to not do anything that will draw you away from Him, or, make Him turn his face away in disgust. If you do not love Him, this will not matter to you. If you do love Him, you will want to factor this into your considerations regarding what is safe for you to do. Now, again, a vanilla person may want to experience something different, like being whipped, but, they won't try it. Or, if they do try it, they will try it in a childish, "Oh, isn't this all too weird!" manner and quickly move back to their comfort zone. Or, if they are unfortunate enough to try it with a serious, seasoned BDSM person, they may be traumatized. In fact, so might the BDSM person, who had no idea that the person who begged and begged to be whipped hard, really meant "lightly touched with corded leather, in a purely playful manner." Which is why part of being safe is making sure the other person is sane, and, that it is truly consensual activity. A BDSM person, desiring to be whipped, does not, as the vanilla person might, think "Oh, that is just too weird. It sounds like fun, but, no, I could never .. what would people think?" They think, until they have knowledge to answer such questions, things more like "How can I? Where can I find someone I can trust? " It is still all about the difference between worry about what society thinks outweighing the benefits, to the vanilla person, and, the end justifying the means, to the BDSM person. Now, how this relates to me, specifically is this: I have very little time for bullshite. Things need to change in my life, in many ways. I am working toward certain goals. I am only interested in people entering my life who can help me in my journey. BUT: I am not really purely selfish. What I am is motivated to finding the means that reach the end, in a safe, sane and consensual manner, which fits into my total life. Therefore: While I like money and shopping and such things would make my life better, I am not going to whore myself out. I will not compromise my integrity, my spiritual safety, my family life, etc. for the sake of attaining money or gifts. If I did that, I might, indeed, attain the end result that was desired, of, say, getting a new brown leather sofa. But, I would lose the desired end result of having self respect, being a person of integrity, making new friends, being closer to God, making my house a home, and so much more. So, to act in a manner that would make me feel like a whore would not be a means that would justify the total end result. Therefore, it is not safe, it is not sane, and, as I do not want it, it is not consensual. I will gladly trade sessions that are non-sexual in nature, to achieve a goal; I will gladly help train people in basic BDSM protocols, positions; I will help them achieve their goal of weight loss or a cleaner house; or, I will date a gentleman who likes to be generous who I truly like as a person and feel there is a chance with, of it being more than just dating later, while seeking to attain my goals; but, I will not cyber with you, I will not perform illegal activities; I will not blackmail you; and, I will not help you cheat on your wife in some manner that I would not put up with from my own husband. To me, BDSM is all about the means justifying the end, not the end justifying the means. |
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