From a former profile

Here is a piece of advice that will serve you well: I don't bother to read the emails of people who do not bother to read profiles. Especially if they lie and say they have read mine. It's a tit for tat thing, or, a stop being an utter tit, thing. Your choice!

Nice people, who are interesting, like the Beatles, and find they tend to be entertaining, even when they are trying not to be, feel free to ignore the first bit of stuffies here, as it is only to the jerks who always show up and act like ass bunnies of the Gestapo Elite, around here, whenever anyone does anything they have not personally approved of.

To the incredibly nosy "SCREW YOU!" It's not like you never did anything weird, that other people looked down their noses at, or, had a bad day or got impatient. Or, if it is, then,"SCREW YOU!" twice, because, you're boring, as well as uptight and bitchy. 

Thank you for your time and reading your reply to the bitchy email you're about to send me, in advance. Now I can go ahead and delete it unread, since I don't care for your opinion anyway. 

Oh, and, by the way, Miscellaneous Buttrack, as I like to call you: YOU ARE WRONG, about a great many things, including the profiles you so diligently police, because, evidently, you can't get anyone to meet with you so you have nothing better to do with your time. There are several fine women you have scared off of here, because you wrote them horrible emails, threatening them, because you thought they were me. IDIOT! xx

Oh yes, and, another hearty "SCREW YOU!" to you, making it thrice, just for being stupid enough to send the email AFTER I typed this. What are you going to do about it, bitches who have had the same image on your profile for over a decade? Spank me?

INTERESTING, NON-CRABBY PEOPLE START HERE, is my suggestion! 

For the uninitiated, the main image I am using is of a painting and is in the public domain. Therefore, it is not commercial artwork, and, while someone may be selling an image of it, it is not being sold by me, here or anywhere else. 

I put it there because it is beautiful, I like it, I like the artist's other work pretty well, too, and, so it tells you something about me, and, because, most people won't read the profiles of women who do not have some sort of photo, but, it appears to be more about the effort of uploading it, than the actual image. 

I have photos and I will share them with you, if we talk awhile and I like you. But, it will be at the point where I feel like you want to see ME, not where you want to judge by my looks if you even want to know me. 

Looks can tell you if there will be sexual attraction, sure, and I get that, but, I am not going to be sexually attracted to you, regardless, if you insist on seeing photos before we can talk. And, I mean EVER. I will just think you're a worthless pig and hate your actions, and, not in a good, turned on way. lol

If you can't prove that you read this ENTIRE profile, I will delete your message.  Proof is in the form of built in actions, phrases. Exceptions are for those I contact. Still if they ask "What are you looking for?" I will delete them, anyway. HERE IS MY PROFILE. Read it and figure it out.

"I need a lover that won't drive me crazy, I need a lover that won't drive me mad .." 

What will drive me crazy? Negativity, intolerance, inability to deal with reality. So, if you believe you are better than me or me than you, because of skin tone, sex, orientation, etc. a hearty goodbye is waved to you as I wish you a speedy journey to anywhere I am not.

My lovers tend to idealize or vilify me, or, both. In fact, so does everyone else. I am either a beautiful woman, great mother, and lovely friend who is wonderful, honest, woman of integrity, a great cook, who has done much good for others or I am that stupid, lazy, no account liar who is trying to scam them. There really is no in-between and it usually depends on how people take honesty.

For instance, sometimes I tell people that things they do make me go "Ew!" and then I move on with my life. 

Some people find this to be saintly tolerance, since it is something which other people would hit them with a brick for; it is seen as being needlessly judgmental by others. 

I suspect that it because, in either case, they are unused to honesty, so they don't understand that I am not leading the vanguard for tolerance, holding hands with every meat is murder marauder and queer that jumps out of the closet, nor am I repulsed by people who are not actively hurting other people or engaging in hypocrisy.

I am just inspired to go "Ew!" about a great number of things, much the same way one would go "Ew!" when I fly has landed on one's bagel, before brushing it off and going about one's business. 

That's pretty much all the impact most things I don't approve of or that I actively dislike have in my life. I don't stay awake nights, worrying about where you've been storing your penis, or, if you are wearing panties or boxer briefs under your work day uniform. 

Its all a big load of stuff which mostly can be firmly filed under "not my business" or "your problem, not mine." I  will not judge your worth as a human being over it, I will not choose to hire or fire you over it - most things - but, I will certainly judge if I want to be your friend, wife, or owner based on it.  So, you see - no saint, no judge, no jury. Just a woman who knows what she wants in her life and what she does not.

What do I want in my life? Well, let's discuss sex, first, get it out of the way, and, then you can feel free to hold a real conversation with me, that is about oh so much else, should we get to the point of emailing each other.

The last time I had sex with a man, I ordered him to show up, do certain oral things to me, without trying to make it anything more. He didn't quite do it right, but, he came closer than the guy I tried it with, before that. 

It was very good, because, he obviously enjoys having sex with women, obviously was glad to be there, obviously was attracted to me and not just looking for a hole to climb into, and, he fully understood and took the hint when I told him to do something harder, faster, or again. He added a few variations of his own. 

He knew what he was doing. It was the best actual sex I ever had with a man, and, it was me ordering him around, but, there was no emotional connection.

Right now, I want someone lovely, to cuddle up with, just to feel them there. I have many worries, about bills, running out of food, not being able to afford anything, looking for work, lack of sex because I want it to be about love, so many things. Well, to be able to cuddle up with someone, it would be a very sweet way to take my mind off of it. Do you understand? Tell me about it .. seriously .. tell me about it ... 

The other best sex of my life was with a guy where it was all emotional connection and I felt naturally submissive to him. I do tend to feel naturally submissive to men I am in love with. I also tend to feel naturally dominant toward them, at the same time, because, hello - I am a WOMAN! 

And, I am very, very glad to be one. He ordered me around and I had an orgasm. It was very hot. The orders were not even about sex, it was just that the arrogant lovely bastard thought he had the right and privilege to just toss orders out at me, and, he was right! This was all because I loved him. 

I am the sort of person who will do what I will do, to a great extent. As in I will not greatly alter my comfort level when it comes to dressing; but, I will do things such as wearing more of one color or less of another, if that makes you happier; I will try to remember to cook spaghetti less often, if you don't like it. I will think you're a filthy pervert, for not loving spaghetti, but, I will do it, all the same. In other words, I am fine with submission or dominance, to a great degree, but, the kind that works in the day to day world. The other stuff is for emergencies or play. What do think? Please write and tell me. Now. Please. 

The other best sex of my life was when I was cleaning the apartment of a masterly type person, who I really was not turned on by, in most ways, at most times, because, we had very little in common, he was not in the least weird, he didn't think I was wonderful (though he did not hate me, either), we had nothing to talk about. He was all fleshly and boring. Yet, as I was cleaning, he started getting bossy, in some very interesting ways, that led to me being tied up, coffee cups hanging, wax, etc. Well, that was more interesting than good, though it turns me on, now, to think about. 

But, there was no emotional connection. But, then, one day, I was over there, again, and, he started acting sort of cuddly, and, bossy at the same time and then he started doing things like holding me by my ponytail and just touching me, with my back to him, pulling my breasts up to meet his mouth (he was much taller than me), ordering me to kneel, all sorts of things, and, somewhere in there, I had this wonderful feeling start, of being able to relax, to trust him, and, I just remember this beautiful feeling, kneeling in front of his computer, eyes, closed, his hand on my head, fingers entwined in my hair, me leaning against his thigh. It was very tender, very sweet and right then, if he had pursued it, it could have been incredible sex. It wasn't though. That was pretty much the end of it, except for the arguing. 

He wanted me to marry him, move right in, and be his pain slut. I'm not a pain slut, and, he kept ordering me to do things that were not good for my health, like eat pizza with cheese on it or drink vodka. He wasn't a listener, a thinker, a person who I could respect and trust to lead me, because he did not have my best interests at heart. What he was, was a man intrigued by a woman who was obedient, could take a lot of pain, and, did not scare easily, but, simply accepted that an order was an order; yet, who could tell him no, absolutely, without flinching. 

I have no interest in being a pain slut, or a slut. I have an interest in living a fairly quite, wonderful life - minus loud bouts of various forms of music, bad singing, dogs barking and me yelling odd things just for my own amusement, and, such as that  - that is oriented toward spending time with my (oh so legally husband) lover /owner/slave/submissive/Dom/best friend, spending long hours having fun together in kinky ways, loving ways, silly ways, ways that include Clint Eastwood and Arnold Schwarzenegger (movies, boy! movies!), which are mutually agreeable to both of us. 

I want to settle down, make my house our home, and share my life with you. Well, potentially you. I hope there is one of you reading this who is "you" in this scenario!

Here are my absolute requirements: 

You must be quite, quite happy to be a human male.

You must believe I am a human female, and, that we are equals as far as rights, responsibilities, honor, and, at least in potential, abilities. Well, if you are David Bowie, we are not equal in abilities, as you can do EVERYTHING, but, you must believe I am as equal to you as any other normal human being. Or, any weird arsed, freaky, fat little dumpling, who could bend you in two like a pretzel but would rather read a book, thank you, human being, as the case most certainly is. You know what I mean, though!

Oh, yes, before I digress further, the point about me telling you the "sex stories" is this: It can be good with me being the dominant one, it can be good with me being the submissive one, it can be good with no intentional anything if it is love, but, it is not good without the connection. So, that's a bit absolute requirement, but, obviously not of the same sort I was discussing.

You must absolutely be able to get along with my family. If you are the sort of person who can get along in a politically correct environment, without shocking anyone, this is not you. Well, you know, maybe if you can do it, but not as a full time gig, because, eventually, you're going to be forced to make sense  or point out the sheer idiocy of something or someone.

If you cannot get along in an office setting, with only being perceived as eccentric or "pretty frigging weird but not actually dangerous" this is not you. If people call you an asshole on a regular basis, then, you probably are one and I am not interested.

Must love garlic. I have absolutely no use for garlic intolerance. I have no use for most other kinds of intolerance, except intolerance of purposeful idiots and hypocrites (which I applaud), but, I'd sooner put up with a little racial intolerance, than garlic intolerance, even if the race you were prejudiced against was one I am related to. Keep that in mind, any sexy Englishman passing by, because, yeah baby, I just might want to be annexed by you! Why? Because, and this is in answer to the garlic issue and not my sudden craving for English "food", I pretty much do not cook without garlic. Yeah, maybe the cakes will be garlic free, but, the spaghetti, steak, tacos, chicken, pork chops, etc. are pretty much going to be swamped in the shite, and, I will be kissing you before, during and after. I will not spend my life waiting for breath to freshen, either. Kiss me now, or get the fuck out to the street and bring me someone who will. What are you, a Princess?

Must want marriage. I have no use for flings, FWB, being live-in lovers, that sort of shite. It's so pansy ass to be afraid to commit. If you love me, marry me, and, I will fuck you ten ways to Sunday. Marry me not, I'll assume you don't love me and I don't fuck what I don't enjoy the company of. So, be real and ready to commit, but, not so ready that you have no discrimination about WHO you are marrying, because, darling tulip hips, I am not someone who fits into general categories, where, so long as I like this and this, it's all good. No no! I'm  not for the faint of heart, the weak of kidney, the mild of spleen,  the obtuse of point, or, those who wouldn't be equally happy at a library, George Thoroughgood concert, Tibetan monk jamboree, lolly gagging at the beach, or, sitting at home watching the paint dry and making idle conversation.
Must be weird.  Wanting to be spanked or wearing rubber is not weird. You may have a fetish, but, that generally makes you just another shade of boring. Weird is all about not only thinking outside the box, but, turning the box into a hat and deciding to keep your kangaroo collection in there, as it is so fun to watch  the faces of your hosts when you take it off as you enter their home, and, suddenly, there is a kangaroo invasion, and, all their crumpets are gone. Crumpets to be explained later! (You say).

Must not point out that I already have a profile here, as I already know that. BUT THIS IS THE ONLY ONE I AM USING TO SEARCH. The other ones are evidence that the Support staff do not clean up and why should I never be allowed to come back, just because they won't do what they said they were going to?

You must be logical to some degree, but, open minded, open hearted (but not by surgery) and childlike.

Must love to read and write. Not just to prove how smart you are, but, because it fills you with delight to do it, to share with others in doing it, in enjoying what others have done. If you watched the Book of Eli movie and were not in the least surprised   that books were considered to be ever so wonderful and well missed by the apocalyptic survivors, it's a good sign. Books are wonderful. Though I did kill one recently for failure to live up to its press. Creed for a Third Millennium my ass! Which it was not fit to wipe! It made me want to rewrite it, except I haven't the energy to do work that extensive, just now and it was THAT bad. It was worse than Fern Michaels bad! Do you understand? Then we might get along.

Must still be with me and prove it, right now, by sending me an email telling me that you have read down to here and are enjoying your treacherously long and twisted journey into what is laughingly passing for my brain, today. Only, use your own words, as you please.

Are you still here reading? Do you like dandelions? Why or why not?

Must not be a cussy face. Though, trying to learn not to cuss counts. That's what I'm trying to do.

Must love God. It must be the God who is the father of Jesus, but, not Jesus himself. Err .. The God must not be Jesus. Err .. You must believe that Jesus' father is  God and that Jesus' father is not also Jesus. Loving Jesus is a good thing. 

Must enjoy strong, feisty weird women.

Must not be oppressive.

Must be fun.

Must have a moral compass, that goes beyond "Well, I don't want to get arrested, so .."

Must not do drugs. Some mild caffeine addiction is acceptable.

Must not smoke anything, ever, as I get ear infections.

Must be able to come in, listen, judge the situation and make effective suggestions, take effective action, or otherwise accomplish desirable changes, when needed. 

Do you like to kiss? I mean,really, really like to kiss? Do you drool. Please tell me about it, because, I want to know. Also, then, I'll know you've been reading my profile.

Must not expect me to stay fat, as I don't want to.

Must not expect me to get thin, as I may never be able to.

Must have noticed by now that I did not say must be submissive, must be dominant, etc.

Must be open to enjoying people for what they are, and, seeing how they fit into your life, and, that includes just being friends, or, deciding to be a mentor, or offering them a job, or whatever .. just roll with the punches.

Must not be insistent on doing the things that are on my hard limits list.

Must not be some ego tripping bastard who assumes bitchiness and negativity, because, I prefer people who read things as weird, strange humored, silly, outspoken, avant garde, etc. 

Notice how there is nothing about looks? Yeah, well, looks are important to some extent, so I do want to see you and you to see me, and, etc. But, they only go so far, and, especially with women - please keep in mind- makeup, clothes, hair cut, are really what women are judged by most. Well, I'm poor. Remember that. 

Must be interested in all the manly arts of providing, protecting, caring, cherishing, courting .. regardless of your BDSM orientation.

Tell me all about your favorite family pet of old, or new. Then, I will know you've been reading.

Must have opinions, thoughts, feelings, goals, ideas, connections with family or friends, favorite songs or movies, that sort of thing that indicates a real life and personality.

Must be amused by this profile. 

Listen, i am looking for wild love, amazing passion that sweeps us away, but also silliness and dancing in mud puddles and friendship, enjoying spending time together, dancing in public, actual life. And, yes, I am very open to friendship with someone who likes my personality but isn't into my looks or whatever .. I am very open to serving, being served, under the right circumstances and none of the wrong ones. I need fun, human contact, life shared.. that's my big motivation. Life is best shared. I would never turn down a good friend, because they can't be a good husband, too. Or, because they are a female and so really, really couldn't make a good husband.