| Journal Entries for midlifecrisisBBW: |
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7/23/2010 6:34:33 AM |
Standing at the threshold
Standing at the door, literally, she waited for his acquiescence to her request; and, figuratively, she stood as well, waiting to enter in to what she did not yet understand.
Tired legs, wrapped in silk cocoons, trembled there at the threshold; she tried not to shift her weight from heel to heel. He hated that movement, she knew, but the pain of pressure in the balls of her feet, that one nagging point in the heel, was enough to make her want to collapse.
“Six-inch heels?” she questioned inside herself. “Why does he have to have me in six-inch heels?” This would not be voiced aloud. She already knew the answer. It was how he wanted it, so it would be. “Besides,” she told herself “be glad it isn’t 7-inch!”
She wondered what he was doing, what was taking so long. The night grew colder, the pain at heel and ball of each foot grew more pronounced. Finally, she could take it no longer, and she shifted, marginally to the left, taking some pressure off her right foot.
The chuckle came in low, out of the dark. “What is this you are about, girl?” he called out, in mock shock.
“Will you punish me now?”, she asked, blushingly, with lowered eyes.
“Haven’t you been punished before the fact, already?” he replied, still chuckling low and throaty.
This was a new thought to her. “I don’t understand. If ..”
“I set you up, pure and simple. I sit comfortably by a warm fire, and you stand in the cold, in six-inch heels. You are only human, girl. Of course, you were going to fail.”
“I still don’t understand. Why would you want me to fail?”
“I am only human, too.”
“Sir .. I ..” She was flummoxed at this point, totally flummoxed. What was this madman on about now?
“I am human, you are human. We will both fail. Sometimes, you will shift your weight, sometimes I will lose my temper. This is life. Do you want in?”
“I want out of the cold!”
“Do you want in?”
“I want to sit and rest my feet.”
“Do you want in?”
“If you please to let me in, then I will obey and come in.”
“Do you want in?”
She was getting annoyed. Why did he keep asking the same question? Why did he not accept her answers? Tears flooded her eyes.
“I don’t understand what you want, Sir! I don’t bloody understand. I have answered you, in many ways. Why can’t you ..”
“Do you want in?”
No reply was heard, except for her weeping. He waited patiently, having a full pot of warm tea, and the whole night for patience.
After a time, still sniveling, but much calmed, she called out to him. “Are you still there, Sir?”
“Do you want in?”, he replied. The chuckle did not break free, but, she could hear it there, lurking in the corners of the question.
She looked to her left, then right, and all around, as she could do without moving her feet. “I am already in, Sir. I am at the threshold, not outside.”
“Well, then, come and sit, silly girl. Your feet must be marvelous sore.”
Crossing the threshold, of body and mind, the girl moved towards him, tottering on pained feet with the cruel shoes skittering upon the stone floor in a light screeching noise that amused him.
She was not tall, as he preferred; nor was she anything but average of figure. Her movements were not graceful, her education was minimal. He did not understand why it was so that he had chosen this girl, out of all the ones who had sought his attention.
“Maybe,” he mused to himself “It is because she did not seek it.”
It was true. Whereas the other girls in the room sat in seeming state of rapture, hanging on the word of every man that saw fit to speak to them, she sat with her head in a book.
He was shocked to see her so, in truth. What was she about, feigning disinterest? So, he stopped to chide her.
And, as quickly as he began, he stopped. For when she looked away from printed page, and up, what he saw was the soul swimming towards a new reality. She had not been feigning a thing, she had simply started reading before they had arrived and hadn’t noticed them come in.
Here she was, finally in his home, and sat down on the floor, near to his feet. She did not kneel as a slave girl should, nor did she lounge like a seductress well trained. Instead, she sat cross-legged, like some infernal hippy about to whip out a guitar and break into Kumbaya.
He might have chid her for this, as well; but, he hadn’t told her how to sit. Aside from which, the skirt of her dress folded and raised in just such a way that it displayed, most becomingly, her panties.
“Sit with your legs open.” he ordered. “Out to the sides, a bit, and straight-legged, so I can see the full length of your thighs and the lines of your stockings.”
Shifting into the proper position, she revealed lacy stocking tops, and quite a bit more panty. The lines of her garters stroked her upper thighs in midnight black lines, connected to the cobweb of dark black lace. The panties were devil red, framed by white flesh and black silk skirting.
“I could have done worse.” he thought. |
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7/23/2010 6:18:18 AM |
The Dandelion At Heart
The snow flies, falls, settles into nooks and crannies, covering over all,
changing view
Underneath all, down below frozen earth, grow still the roots of most
tenacious weed
It cannot be stopped, scythed down, burnt up, plucked out, cajoled, or tricked away
Let the winds moan on, let the cold bite against the world, let frost enter in
Soon comes the Spring, with the traveling of the sun, and, again,
it blooms |
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7/23/2010 5:35:52 AM |
The journal formerly known as profile:
NO SEX HERE:
No sex means: No genitalia play, no oral service either way, no butt plugs, no frenching, no massaging of breasts, no anal or vaginal stimulation, and etc.
Was here looking for someone(s), but, sifting through the no ones really takes it out of a person, so now I am simply on sabbatical. I am not here to hear of your deep-seated need to be abused or to do things, because you are a weak-spirited creature, that make you think you are strong. If you think you have something to offer, by way of charming personality, actual services needed, good advice on herbal supplements, or you happen to live in Tucson and would like a rather creaky walking companion, by all means speak up. If you are looking for sex or physical degradation, you bore me already. Yes, per the things it says in my journal, I will still consider service by the right sort of person, but, oh my, you will be tested rather harshly before I decide whether or not to let you stay, because, so far, what I have found is many persons who think they can order me to domme them, who expect me to put in all the hard work, while they just kick back and revel in the humiliation of it all. *Yawn* So, before you start pursuing an act of submission, let it be understood that you have one chance to impress me, and once that chance is given, failure will result in being blocked. I have no time for people who want to submit, when they can get around to it, who want to submit but only in the ways they fantasize about or which are guaranteed not cause them any discomfort, or, etc. Silly arsed twonks: If you try submitting to me, it better be because you are a person who needs to do things for others. This is not a business transaction, wherein you tell me that you will submit and do things for me, but, only if I watch you dance or promise to kick you. The fact that I allow it to be you who is doing these things for me is your reward, and that you get to do them for anyone at all is another. If you don't have the mentality to understand that, piss off |
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7/22/2010 12:33:27 PM |
Free beating for the first slave/sub to bring me a stereo and a paddle or crop.
lol |
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7/21/2010 11:04:57 AM |
And, when she gets weary
Them girls they do get weary
of wearing that same old shabby dress
And when she's tired of waiting
Just anticipating, those things
she never, never does possess
Try a little tenderness
Good song, for men, about women - works for all men, about all women, pretty much.
Consider that before you start berating women who want some guarantee that you will think about them enough to alleviate some of that weariness, with a little tenderness, and a new dress.
It's not the money, it's the comfort had by the money. lol
You know, I want a dress. Now, there are many people who say they will do whatever it takes to please their Mistress, and they want me to be their Mistress, but, their limit is that they will not have anything to do with money. So, I now know that when they say they would do anything to please me, this is a filthy lie.
If I was their girlfriend, they would take me out for dinner and a movie and spend more money on me than a dress costs. If I was their wife, they'd buy me a dress. But, alas, they only want me for their Mistress, so I must suffer by their whim.
Yeah, right.
You want to show me that you'd do anything for me? Get me the dress. I want a dress. It has to fit me, and it has to look good. That is the criteria.
I don't care if you buy it from a designer, hire someone to make it, nip off to the thrift store to find something close and then get it altered, or hand sew it yourself. If you want me to be your Mistress, get me the dress.
If you really want to impress me, make it a whole outfit, including bra, panties, shoes, and jewelry.
If you want me to love you forever, send it along with an order from the nearby Chinese restaurant.
Then, start asking if I'll be kind enough to let you, you with the foot fetish, massage my feet; or if I will let you, who wants to dance in front of me, dance in front of me.
You know, after you prove that it is not, after all, just about your needs. If I wanted that shite, I'd go live with some uber-dom.
And, he'd get me the dress, because he likes to look at women dressed all pretty.
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7/21/2010 10:37:52 AM |
I don't know how to break this to you. You might want to sit down for it, as many have been shocked to learn this:
You are an individual.
Now, don't be frightened. There are cures for it, but, they are usually worse than the disease, so I would suggest you learn to live with it. Sure, it will mean the possibility of standing out from the crowd, possibly having to wear special clothes that mark you as an individual and make people stare, but, buck up! Many fine people have become individuals, some are even born that way, and they go on to live very productive lives, despite this.
haha
I thought I better tell you that, because I get really tired of all the 'What do you require from your ..' questions.
Because, see, here is the thing: If you are living next door to me, what I might require is for you to get your ass over here, when I call, and make me tea or come and wash the laundry.
If you live in Germany, however, those sort of requirements would be silly, wouldn't they?
If you really like housework, obviously, that would be one of your top duties. If you hated housework, and there was no one else to do it, I would still make it part of your duties if I felt like it, but, probably not to the same extent.
See, what I require is, as stated many times, service, loyalty, entertainment. Those are the must haves, won't do withouts. It doesn't get more specific than that, until the individual is known.
And, that means me, too, because, yes, shockingly, I'm an individual as well. |
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7/20/2010 10:32:59 PM |
This is what my profile used to say, last:
I need slaves and submissives, to serve me at my whim.
Service to include, but not be limited to, assistance in art projects, fetching and carrying, housework, and, of course taking me shopping, for haircuts, etc.
Some of that service, by the way, could include patronage, or work towards selling of art, with a potential for future profit for us both. We can discuss that, if you wish.
If you have read this far, send me an email with the words 'lemon squeeze'. Do not include anything else.
There may be pain, there may be humiliation, there may just be smiles and laughter and a great deal of fun had by all.
Some minor body modification may occur.This could be yours - because I might want you pierced, or hate your haircut. It could be mine, because I always wanted to have bigger, sexier breasts and now there is a very unique method to accomplish this.
If you have read this far, and you think you understand, send me a private message with 'toto hips'. Do not put anything else in these emails as I will not open them.
Financially, I have no intention of using you to line my pocketbook. Yet, I have no use for submissives and slaves that are chary with their possessions.
Don't know what chary means? Look it up!
I want you to submit to me, I want you to appreciate your position and mine, and I want you to feel both the pain and reward of giving.
I believe that when the slave sees the Mistress sitting upon a cushion that the slave has purchased, or that the slave has bought the materials for and made with their own hands, they know that they have done their job well and that their Mistress is pleased.
In turn, the Mistress should be concerned with how and where the slave is living, if he or she is still able to care for themselves, if they are happy, and if they are receiving gratification from their work for her.
In other words, there is a balance. I am not here to be your free ride, you are not here to be mine. But, you will listen to me, and if I have needs or wants that you can address, you will do so to the best of your abilities.
I say this because so many slaves and submissives are really just people who want to find someone who will please them in the way they see fit, and then forget them as soon as the orgasm is over, and I have no time for sluts. I want service. That service can be in the form of action or paying for action.
IE: It's 8 pm on a Monday evening and I'm hard at work and haven't had time to make dinner. You hear there is a need and you respond.
That response is that you 1) make dinner 2) take over the work so I can make dinner 3) buy dinner that someone else has cooked.
Which one will it be? Well, that depends on many factors, including if you can do the work, if you can pay for the dinner and if there is anywhere to get something, and if there is a package of ground beef out that just had better be cooked on that day or never.
IE: I need a haircut.
Do you know how to cut hair? If you do, get the scissors sharpened and let's get to it.
Got it? I do believe in slaves and submissives giving cheerful and willing financial service. It is still called 'financial slavery' because it falls into that broad category; but, it is not about draining someone's bank account.
If you have read this far, send me an email with the words 'financial slavery' at the start. In it, you will tell me what you believe you understand as to what I have written here. There may be some discussion ensuing. Do not read further, until I have replied and we have determined that we both are on the same wave-length here, as this is a touchy subject for many.
Please note that I am a BBW, I am 41 years of age, and I do live with a child still, so you will just be a friend who is visiting when you come to my place, when he is home.
Slaves and submissives who might wish to reply should be aware that I am only interested in service of mutual benefit. That is, if it helps you, if it teaches you something, if it is mutually consensual.
I do not want door mats or kick toys, and, despite what my profile said earlier, I am not interested in sexual service from anyone. Sometimes life changes fast!
I do not rule out all physical service or reward, however. If you are a foot slave, for instance, that can keep your pants on, we can talk. If you like to be tied up and left under your bed, we can talk. So long as it's not sexual, we can talk.
I will send you a photo and possible other information after I have determined if I care to have you in my life; and, of course, after you have send a photo, of your face, to me.
No particular height, body type, etc. preferred. I go by personality, first and foremost.
You must be over 18, you must be clean, you must be capable of being polite and obedient, and you must be discreet.
If you have read this far, put 'orange you bled' in a message to me. That tells me that you understand what I am looking for and you are either willing, or you at least have read it and decided to write and ask me about something else. Which, whether the former or the latter is the case, say so.
I like clarity, honest, naturalness. IE: If you are upset, don't lie about it because you are never supposed to be upset at your mistress: but, do continue to know your place! If you wish to sit at my feet, because you like it that way, do it, and we'll both enjoy it. If you want to do it, even though you don't like it, because you know I'd enjoy it, that's a good thing. If you are doing it to feel put upon, not to enjoy yourself in some manner, go slave and sub for the sort of person who finds that amusing.
If you have read this far, and you have followed the instructions well, you may write to me a personal email. You, for now, will add me to your circle of friends and I will do the same for you.
I make no guarantee that emails will be read if instructions have not been followed. |
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7/20/2010 8:24:32 AM |
This is to the persons I sent an invitation of sorts to, regarding a submissive and his reward for good behavior.
His behavior is no longer good, it is non-existent, at the moment, so, no party girls! Sorry! |
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7/19/2010 7:54:46 PM |
I've been asked for an explanation of certain things I said and it seems like a reasonable request, so, here I go: Potentially Mutually Beneficial Patronage: The word "potentially" is used, because there are no guarantees it would be beneficial, just the potential; the word mutual is used because potentially it would benefit the both of us; beneficial, that's got to be obvious what it means; patronage, in this case, means someone who supports the arts with contributions of money, either by donation or investment. The investment is what would make it potentially mutually beneficial.For instance, I have a friend who wishes to order a painting of his mother from me. That would require me to make the initial outlay for canvas, paints that are required but are not currently owned, perhaps some new brushes, etc. Now, in the end, he would pay enough to make up for the canvas and some of the paints and some of the brushes, and some of my time. Then, I'd need to make other paintings and sell them for a decent price, so I'd need more canvases, hopefully that would be all though. So, then I would sell them, hopefully, and, voila, the cost of the paints and the brushes and the canvases have been covered, there is still the brushes left and if we have shopped well, there may even be a little of the paint and canvases left by which to start again. All has been made up for, we are a little ahead, and we persevere, and perhaps we pull ahead and then you get your money back and you get a small percentage from the profits of the paintings. So, mutually beneficial!Or, perhaps, I am writing and you read this writing and you say "You really should work on that full time and get it done, and it will be a best seller." Well, maybe it will and maybe it won't. But, to work on it full time, I'd need more hours than are available whilst doing my regular job, plus looking seriously for more gainful employment or going to classes. So, maybe you would say "Please, your rent it is but a little thing. Let me pay it and you do not worry about more work, for the next month or two, and you finish this book and we will send it to many publishers, and if and when you have sold it, you can pay me back." That is what patronage traditionally is. It is the investment in an artist with the hope of potential future profit for the both of you. Some patrons pledge for a certain amount of time, some just make a donation every now and again because they love the artists work.Another thing asked about was this financial service versus financial slavery thing I have mentioned. Okay, the difference is like this: Mistress: "Look, you cowering worm, if you wish to be in my presence you will make your wallet bleed money for me. Do you think you're worth anything else? Now, crawl over here and give me everything you have and you better have brought at least $2K with you! What do you mean you need to pay your rent? Do you think I give a f_ck?"That's financial slavery. This is financial service:Mistress: "I have a big date tomorrow and I'm just not sure what to wear." Slave: "Mistress, I'd love to purchase you a new outfit, if it would please you." See the difference?Mind you, I can, have, and will ask for things, if I feel it is appropriate. However, that is based on necessity. Right now, I have some small necessities. Things that got left back in the town I moved from, or which were broken during the move, and such as that. Like, my diamond tiara.Haha?No, seriously, just little things that if I had a sub or slave and if they took the initiative in replacing, it would make me very happy and cause them no harm whatsoever. Like, for some reason, I have no shower pole anymore and the bottles are sitting on the side of the tub. Nothing life threatening, but annoying. I had a beautiful space saver thingy to hold rolls of tissue, and it got broken. I'd really love to have another one, but, I do not drive and I will not be carrying that bulky thing home on my back. Same with the kitchen wastebasket.Oh, and my stereo. It was a cheap little affair, from Wal-Mart, $69 or $89 I can't remember which, but actually quite, quite nice. It's broken now, though, somehow. And, for reason I have yet to fathom, my best blouse and my best spring time cardigan have gone missing! Oh, and where are my darker brown, dressier sandals? So many irksome thingsNow, compare that to expecting someone to pay for a Lambourghini, for goodness sakes. Now, hush! Though, for the record, if you wanted to buy me a Lambourghini, because you are the sort of slave or submissive who would like to chauffeur in that sort of vehicle, you'd be more than welcome to do so. lol But, for my sake .. no, you would be brokenhearted, when I resold it, took half the profits and helped out some nice, lower income family to get a home instead, and kept the rest for necessities. I don't need anything that fancy, I do like to help others when I can. |
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7/19/2010 7:23:08 PM |
| So, is there anyone out there who is interested in giving enemas where it is not about their sexual gratification? |
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7/18/2010 3:18:58 PM |
| Oh, okay Now that livegoddesses ad, drain your wallet now or whatever they say: that's just sick and wrong! |
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7/18/2010 2:02:19 PM |
| Well, well, well .. rules are sometimes made to be broken, if the person is interesting enough. I hope he doesn't think that means he's domming another one lolSpent way too much time, today, rewriting my profile, trying to get a concept across to people that keeps being taken to mean something it doesn't. In fact,, we are usually in agreement, though they don't know it. Had a surprise in that I was talking to a "regular" guy and I told him he could come visit me, and if he didn't like it I'd spank him and send him home, and he told me that making sudden promises like that was just not on.Promises, huh? He might bear further looking into! |
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7/17/2010 6:53:25 PM |
| Had a lovely first meeting with a sub tonight. Not sure how we will suit, but, at the very least, it was good conversation and I could recommend him for gentlemanly behavior.He seems a little preoccupied with sensualism, and I can respect that as I am a bit of a sensualist myself. It's just not, necessarily, some place I wish to go with a slave or a sub. To me, being the old fashioned sort, sex should be about love and sharing, and becoming a part of each other. And, sensualism is the best of sex.Will we meet again? Will we find a common ground by which we can both benefit from this potential relationship? We'll see. |
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7/17/2010 3:07:27 PM |
| Let's define "financial slavery" This is of course as it is defined by me, for my benefit. I am trying to make a point here to certain types of slaves, that I was not, in the most part, the sort of slave who sat about on their arse at home while their "master" slaved away at the office, then came home and took it out on them in beatings or other forms of physical "retribution". I actively worked towards bettering his interests, in any way I could. In addition, because he allowed it -knowing he did not have much choice in the matter if he wished to keep me - I worked at bettering the interests of others. This was the sort of slave, and submissive, that I was, and this is the sort of slave, or submissive, that I require. Financial slavery is part of that.Which means, at the bare minimum, you will be the one taking me out for drinks or renting the movies. I do not pay for you to be entertained, unless it is a special occasion, because you are the slave.Many people get offended and think I am saying "Let me drain your bank account dry and then leave you homeless." That is both utterly sick to do to someone and very wrong to accuse someone of wanting to do, without them having actually made such statements! Why ever would I want to do that to my slave? It makes no sense to me, the people who do that. If you don't keep them healthy and happy, then, you have to continually train new slaves. I'm not into breaking people. I'm into people.I think there is a great distinction between telling people they will be the ones paying for the entertainment, when you are spending time with them and enjoying their company, and the sort of people who want to order people about so as to trick them out of their money. If you don't think so, then move the hell on and make room for the rational, interesting ones. |
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7/17/2010 2:15:06 PM |
EMAIL JUST RECEIVED:its people like you that realy ruined this site, get a job and pay your
own damn bills, lazy.RESPONSE TO SAME:It's people like me who spent time serving as a maid, a model, a cook, an all around servant, a drudge even, a companion, and that included devoting almost every cent I made exclusively to the help and comfort of others - not just the masters I served but also various charities and homeless persons and to help those who were forced into positions of slavery and prostitution to find their way out and to a better way of life.I sacrificed almost my entire life in pursuit of helping others, caring for their children, caring for the injured and the ill.Now, I, having been used and abused for my efforts, choose to rest a little and let others, who wish to do the same for me, do so.So, you judgmental little "sub", go and fuck yourself. I'm not a money dom, I don't use people for their money, and you are not a submissive anything. Just another loud mouthed and presumptive bitch.Good day to you.Oh, and here is another good one, from a user with no active profile so that he does not have to worry about getting a response to his nasty little diatribes. re: journal and profileAfter reading your latest journal entry
and your profile itself, I have come to the conclusion that you are an
idiotic money whore. How does it feel to know you have spent your entire
life in the pursuit of helping others, only to find out that they
really do not care at all whether you made a difference or not? So now
when your in your early 40's and you have nothing, you come to realize
that the best you can hope to do is exploit those who have spent their
lives sacrificing, working hard and finding their own security. Talk
about a waste of a fucking life! The sad part of all this is that you do
not even realize you are being just as abusive, exploitive and
manipulative as those who you claim hurt and abused you. Hmm but then
again if you do realize that and you are doing this with that
self-knowledge then you really are worse than they are. You are worse
than the paedophile who exploits and abuses children and even worse than
than the pimp who gets teenage girls addicted to drugs and sells them
out as prostitutes. Simply fucking amazing that you can even look at
yourself in the mirror without wanting to jump off a cliff or worse!ANSWER:Again, a lot of assumption going on. 1) I did not say the people I served abused me. Only that I was used and abused. Nor did I say in what manner was the use or abuse.For your edification the use was in regards to putting in long hours and making a difference, and the abuse was in regards to the pimps and such who were less than happy about me taking "their" girls away from them.2) Really, a woman who allows people who wish to serve her is worse than someone who knowingly harms children for their sexual gratification? I see why you don't have an active profile! Your kind, the kind who does not think pedophilia is a real and serious disease and stain on humanity, should be ashamed to show themselves! 3) I care what you think because ...?I don't. I'm only using you to make a point about assumption. That's all your good for. Too full of vitriol to be worth anything to a real woman.
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